Monday, March 26, 2007

Gambling Guide

Not long ago I found out that Barbie had never been to Las Vegas. As a first step in preparing her for "sin city" I have prepared a short list of my personal gambling secrets. So, here’s my guide to successful gambling. I can’t give away all my secrets, but I’ll offer you a tip for each of the most popular casino games.

Drinking
When the cocktail waitress delivers your drink, quickly order your next one.

Poker
Hold out for the wild card.

Black Jack
Always assume the dealer has blackjack, and double-down on everything.

Roulette
Find a table that’s hit black five times in a row and bet on red. It’s like flipping a coin: Heads five times in a row? What are the chances it’s heads again on the next flip? Best bet in the casino.

Slots
Heh . Slots.

Craps
Observe the game for a while, since it can be confusing. When you’re ready,throw some chips around, clap, and shout, “Yo!” Somebody will throw chips right back at you.

Dealers
Always seek out the hottest dealers. If you play your cards right, it’s cheaper than an actual date and–bonus–since they wear name tags, you don’t have to remember her name.

Casino War
Always take the high ground, stay out of central Asia, and control the seas.

ATM
Easiest money in the house; that’s why there’s always a line. Bet on “checking account.”

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Be A Kid Again

After a rough couple of weeks at work, I finally took a day off for some perspective. I realized that I was having a hard time letting go of the things that I didn't need to keep with me once I left work. So, to help me let go of those things I started making a list of activities that would help me out with that and I realized that these were all things that you see kids doing. So, here's the list so far.

1. Do a cartwheel.
2. Sing out loud in your car.
3. Walk barefoot in wet grass.
4. Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
5. Dot all your “i”’s with smiley faces.
6. Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.
7. Dunk your cookies.
8. Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
9. Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
10. Change into some play clothes.
11. Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
12. Eat ice cream for breakfast.
13. Lay down outside and try to spot things in the clouds
14. Blow the wrapper off a straw.
15. Have someone read you a story.
16. Find some pretty stones and save them.
17. Wear your favorite shirt with you favorite pants even if they don’t match.
18. Take a running jump over a big puddle.
19. Get someone to buy you something you really don’t need.
20. Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
21. Stay up past your bedtime.
22. Eat dessert first.
23. Fuss a little, then take a nap.
24. Wear red gym shoes.
25. Put way too much sugar on your cereal.
26. Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
27. Giggle a lot for no reason.
28. Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Recycling

I recently found myself doing some "spring cleaning" and I came across my old high-school letterman's jacket. Disappointingly, it was nowhere near as cool as it was in my days of minority. This got me thinking: What else did you enjoy in the90’s that, when revisited, turns out to suck donkey barrels? I’m not too proud to share. We all have embarrassing stories.

The film “Reality Bites” – Not as cool as you think it was. And neither were you.

Flannel shirts –Let’s take all our disaffected, rebellious teenage hotties and urge them to dress like homeless lumberjacks and not bathe. That’s a great idea.

Figure Skating –Sure, Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding made us THINK it was all catfights and ill-conceived thuggery, but as anyone who tried to slog through the Winter Olympics will know, figure skating is unbearable.

The issue of Rolling Stone with Rene Elizondo holding Janet Jackson’s breasts – Justin Timberlake did it so much better.

Vanilla Ice – Ice is actually bad enough that he’s come all the way around to being enjoyable again, but only ironically.

The Toronto Blue Jays – Back to back World Series pennants from a team built around Pat Borders, Candy Moldonado and Kelly Gruber? It really happened.

Those crappy “American Pie” movies –Ooh, band camp, band camp! Little did we know this catchphrase would mutate into a pop-culture pandemic that we are still stuck with seven frickin’ years later. Note to producers: Please stop. You’re hurting America.

Furby – Furby couldn’t learn. Furby didn’t understand what you were saying. Furby couldn’t love. Goddammit, this still pisses me off.

Spin Doctors –What could possibly cooler than wearing a ski cap while jamming out to Two Princes? How about wearing two so you don’t have to hear it?

“Saved By the Bell” – Just kidding. “Saved by the Bell” is awesome.