Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sports are easy. I recently got an email from an old friend telling me that he was going to run his second marathon. He went on and on about his rigid training regiment and how he wouldn't be able to recover from even one lapse in his plan even though the event was four months away. Although I am proud of him for setting a goal that I have no doubt he will achieve, I completely disagree with his logic. Why? Because training the body is a waste of time. Why do something over and over when it only counts once? That’s like going on more than one date with someone.
Once you realize that so-called “athletic talent” is all in your mind, it becomes a simple matter of selecting the sport that maximizes your Chick Attractiveness Potential, or CAP. You think Johnny Third-String on the football team is going to get more chicks than Johnny World Champion Javeler? Javelier? Javelinist? One who throws a javelin. Individual sports are where it’s at.* Women are simple creatures: Too much movement makes it difficult for them to focus. Lend them a hand. Select a sport where the target is clear: You.
*notable exception: Laser Tag
Included below is a selection from my forthcoming self-help book, “I’m Gonna Teach You How to Live.”
Zack’s Guide To Athletics
Running: Start running. Don’t stop.
Bowling: Roll heavy ball into pins. Wear funny shoes.
Long Jump: Jump. Long.
High Jump: Jump. High.
Bull Riding: Hold on. After 8 seconds, let go. Run. (See Above)
Jai Alai: Jai. Alai.
Speed Skating: Skate fast. Turn left.
Horse Racing: Sit on horse.
Rock Climbing: Find a rock. Climb it. Don’t fall.
Diving: Jump into water.