Monday, November 12, 2007

Take Two Awesomes And Don’t Call Me In The Morning

I’ve never called-in sick a day in my life. How is that, you ask? Answer: Awesomeness.

I combat the cold and flu season by injecting heavy doses of Awesome into my bloodstream. Special power. NASA’s run tests. Passed them all. Flying colors.

Of course, not everyone shares my ability to fight infection through superior genetics, which is why I’m offering a few hints that can help you safely and naturally increase your BAC (Blood Awesome Count) as you encounter the seasonal symptoms.

Sore Throat
Hot tea and a lozenge? That’s JV. Slip on a 100 percent Italian silk tie instead. The pain is just your throat demanding an accessory.

You may be tempted to put on a comfy pair of sweats and go to bed. DO NOT DO THIS. First, no one reading this should own such a garment. Second, sweats imply acceptance. You fight fire with fire: Suit Up!

Men don’t ache.

Studies have shown the best way to fight cold is with body heat. If you’ve even glanced at this blog before, you’re well enough equipped to target and acquire a choice cutlet to warm you up. Heh. “Well equipped.”

A cough is the sound of your lungs high-fiving. They’re celebrating your awesomeness. Join in! Light a Cuban, pour a cocktail, and imagine a world without children.

Alone, or in combination, these remedies far surpass the prescriptions of yesteryear. Remember, “over the counter” is just something they left out of the Kama Sutra.