You’ve tried it all: cold silence,televised football, fake blood; still, those chicklings keep on nesting. Well, gentlemen, look no further. In just a few short weeks,and for a few short hundred dollars, I’ll turn your awkward morning-after cuddle sessions into guilt-free self-cuddle sessions.
You’ll learn such rudimentary gambits as:
The Chalk Outline
A little police tape and a body shape curiously like hers can expedite an extradition.
Watch it. You don’t have to like it;you have to love it. Plus, you can keep watching when she leaves. You don’t even have to “get up.”
Smoke machine. Get one. If you don’t see results, upgrade to police-issue tear gas. She’ll be crying anyway, so why not offer her a head start?
Let’s face it: girls like animals. Undoubtedly, you’ve already discovered the make and model of her childhood pet while enduring conversation. Apply your knowledge by standing over her with a knife and a “replicanimal.” (Set of 20plastic, hypoallergenic replicanimals of every stripe included in the ADVANCED Morning-After System®.)
The “Fife,” aka the “Barney Fife,” is an instant classic. Have your Fife primed and ready to go the night before: she’ll need a call time and some angry patter. Strippers/escorts make excellent Fifes as they often work for reduced rates in the morning and consider themselves actresses anyway. Or, you can always conscript a desperate female friend.
WARNING: In the hands of amateurs, these ruses will backfire, stranding you in a relationship, kicking sand in your own eyes, day after sexless day.