Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Zack's Amazing Morning-After System

I find myself often being the escape pod for my closest friends. I think everyone has a friend that they know they can go to in an emergency. That is a comforting relationship for both people. With that in mind, I had one of those friends call me last week because he made the horrible mistake of taking a one-night-stand back to his house. In the morning he was awakened by her "lumberjack snoring" and could not think of a way to get her up, and out swiftly so he called me for ideas. After a few really hard laughs I came up with some ideas for him. I am not sure which one of them worked, but she eventually left and I am taking the credit. Furthermore, I am sharing these ideas with the world here in Zack's Amazing Morning-After System® (patent pending).

You’ve tried it all: cold silence,televised football, fake blood; still, those chicklings keep on nesting. Well, gentlemen, look no further. In just a few short weeks,and for a few short hundred dollars, I’ll turn your awkward morning-after cuddle sessions into guilt-free self-cuddle sessions.

You’ll learn such rudimentary gambits as:

The Chalk Outline

A little police tape and a body shape curiously like hers can expedite an extradition.

Morn’ Porn

Watch it. You don’t have to like it;you have to love it. Plus, you can keep watching when she leaves. You don’t even have to “get up.”


Smoke machine. Get one. If you don’t see results, upgrade to police-issue tear gas. She’ll be crying anyway, so why not offer her a head start?

Animal Sacrifice

Let’s face it: girls like animals. Undoubtedly, you’ve already discovered the make and model of her childhood pet while enduring conversation. Apply your knowledge by standing over her with a knife and a “replicanimal.” (Set of 20plastic, hypoallergenic replicanimals of every stripe included in the ADVANCED Morning-After System®.)

Fake Wife

The “Fife,” aka the “Barney Fife,” is an instant classic. Have your Fife primed and ready to go the night before: she’ll need a call time and some angry patter. Strippers/escorts make excellent Fifes as they often work for reduced rates in the morning and consider themselves actresses anyway. Or, you can always conscript a desperate female friend.

WARNING: In the hands of amateurs, these ruses will backfire, stranding you in a relationship, kicking sand in your own eyes, day after sexless day.