Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
So, there I was bitching about the on-set of summer temperatures and I happened to see a copy of LA magazine that was sticking out of my friend's laptop bag. He just got back from the west coast and picked it up in the airport. I noticed that one of the articles listed on the cover referenced ways to combat the summer heat. Sounds serendipitous, doesn't it? Well, I thought so too until I looked at the ridiculous methods that they listed. These methods are listed below in bold, and my comments on each follow:
Drink plenty of water. Granted, this is excellent advice. And it's always refreshing to replenish all the fluid I've hemorrhaged thought my pores. But after a six-pack or more of bottled water, I'm ready to declare the human body a poorly designed instrument. I feel bloated, flooded and all I can really think about is the time I saw a doctor on Oprah announcing the No. 1 sign of dehydration, and afterwards Oprah herself bellowing, "Dark urine, people!"
Limit in take of alcohol and caffeine. Easier said than done. Just as lack of sunshine in Alaska or Lapland can drive in habitats of those places to alcohol, so can feeling like humidity is rotting my lungs out. And as for caffeine, nothing tells the furnace-like conditions of summer to go to hell like the words "Iced Mocha."
Eat less protein. This is good old-fashioned motherly advice turned on it's head. So typical of the way summer messes with my...head.
Wear light clothing. This is certainly doable, but only to a point. Call me crazy, but I'm not crazy about dressing like I am at the beach when I am not at the beach.
Wear a wide-brimmed hat. See, this is what I hate about summer: It seems so dictatorial. Pulling on a wool hat and donning a scarf in winter feels perfectly natural to me. But a wide-brimmed hat? I might as well graft an extra appendage on my head. I love looking at--not looking like--Ingrid Bergman in the final scene of Casablanca.
Avoid too much sunshine. They call this advice?
Cover windows to block sun. All right, at least this one is more specific that the previous one. And it just so happens that my favorite character in To Kill A Mockingbird is the reclusive, pitiable man-child, Boo Radley.
Stay inside with air-conditioning. Have a drink with air-conditioning. Exchange personal information with air-conditioning. Joke with air-conditioning. "Your place or mine?" Every summer is the summer of love.
Plan your errands during the warmest part of the day to be in public buildings with air-conditioning. I'm sorry but unless they're talking about weekends, this is strictly for people who don't have to abide by a work schedule. God bless them.
Schedule strenuous work for early mornings and evenings. Nice loop-hole guys. Like all non-morning-people staggering out of bed and strenuously praying to make it through the day is just about all I can do in the mornings. But evenings are okay!